I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
