I want to stick my p in your. b.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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