it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
