Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
