Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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