my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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