The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
