I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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