smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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