I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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