My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can you bring me the toilet please
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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