Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
