i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
