this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
