Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
