I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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