Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
