he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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