I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I lost the right to judge tonight
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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