my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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