Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
