Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
