I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
