i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
