Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
