My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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