people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
