birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
