Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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