Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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