There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
