I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
