I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
