we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
