Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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