Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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