I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
