Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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