Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
