I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
