Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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