I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Randomize
