last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
