so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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