We named our party play list daddy issues
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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