If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
