I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
