My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
