I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
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