Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize