Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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