Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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