That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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