At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
