this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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