Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
