Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
