I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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