she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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