where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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